... in sheep's clothing

July 4th.  A day of patriotism, fireworks, and barbecues.  I participated in none of it.  San Francisco was relatively calm today.  Blue Bottle coffee was obtained.  Mary and I walked to the Mission so she could show me some new stores that had opened up in the month I’ve been away from the city.  We over-dressed - the weather was beautiful and not cool at all.  We contemplated buying shoes and dresses.  We had brunch at Tartine Bakery.  I waffled between wanting to order dinner from Lers Ros and making burgers.  I opted for the latter.  In the end, that was a much more satisfying decision.

As much as I abhor shopping at Safeway, the thought of walking the extra blocks to Foods Co. did not appeal to me.  Purchases were made.  Charcoal, watermelon, and meats were lugged home because the 22 was crowded and I had already waited 15 minutes.  Walking groceries home is character-building.  I was thankful I didn’t buy beer.

I had settled on 80/20 ground beef (from the deli counter, not prepackaged….  It was cheaper and had the illusion of being better).  I read some recipes for burgers and wasn’t satisfied with any.  I would do this on my own.  70% of the time, I make dinner from whatever is lying around.  I buy ingredients piecemeal, there is a decent selection of random things to incorporate into what I cook.  Today that included a couple of little jalapeno peppers and garlic.  Perfect burger ingredients.  Garlic has a tendency to get burnt and bitter if you just throw it on some flames, so I decided to roast it in the toaster over.  5 big cloves, wrapped in tin foil with some olive oil drizzled on top.  20 minutes later, soft perfection.  The jalapenos were blackened over the gas stove, the charred skin scraped off, and diced.  I tried leaving the ribs as intact as possible, since I was hoping to achieve some heat.  The garlic and peppers were added to one pound of beef, along with a teaspoon each of salt, fresh ground black pepper, and cumin.  I formed three patties and stuck them back in the fridge so the flavors could meld.  Or something.

I went about getting everything else ready - prepping toppings, making sides, and setting up the grill.  A word about the grill.  Mary has a nice big Weber charcoal grill sitting on her porch.  It has not been used for almost two years, since she had a big party and a bunch of us celebrated our birthdays.  Flames rose high over the deck that night.  Mary thought Mike would burn her house down.  There were burgers.  And beer.  Lots of beer.  And corn.  I remember sitting on the stairs eating corn, chatting with friends.   Grill = good times!  Why haven’t I made use of it until now?  Because I was scared.  I’ve never been the grill master.  That role has been held by my parents while I was growing up, and more recently by Mike Fabio, who rules all things meaty.  The grill was simply out of my purview.  But it was time to take charge and learn how to start a charcoal grill.  I’m an adult.  Adults should know how to properly play with fire.  Thankfully there are the internets.  And, ironically, I found this website, which told me all I needed to know.  Armed with lighter fluid, charcoal briquettes, and matches from Zeitgeist, I made fire and heat.  I was impressed and proud.  I think I’ll grill more often.  It takes a little time to invest in setting everything up, but it was well worth it.  I smell like grilling now, and I love it.

While I was waiting for the charcoal to do its thing, I sliced tomatoes, sauteed 1/2 a large red onion, and baked bacon in the oven (a clever trick I learned from my mom - no stovetop splatter, less mess, even results - win).  I made some roasted potatoes on the stove top following the guidelines laid out here, to much success.  Just add salt and pepper, cover, stir occasionally.  It doesn’t get much easier than that.  Then the time came to put the burgers on the grill.  I made the mistake of covering them initially, which didn’t let the charcoal get enough oxygen and produce enough heat.  I rectified my mistake and quickly the charcoal glowed a happy, meat-searing red.  I ran in and out of the house gathering all the finishing touches, ketchup, burger bun, beer.  Baked beans were hastily dumped in a pot and heated through.  Everything came together.  Burgers were crispy but not burnt on the outside succulent (if not a tad overdone) on the inside.  The cumin was the star of the burger, followed closely by the roasted garlic - it was mellow but added a nice subtle flavor.  Caramelized onions were salty, sweet, and melted away.  The bacon added a nice crunch and smoky flavor.  The tomatoes, well, you have to have tomatoes.  They actually tasted like tomatoes and not watery, bland, mealy slabs of sadness.  No cheese, I wanted to go with relative simplicity.

When you cook for one, it’s tempting to cut corners and not really put effort into making a meal.  I frequently have cereal or an apple and peanut butter for dinner.  I’m lazy and cheap.  But every now and then I realize that I’m worth cooking for.  I’m worth the big production of a dinner, dirtying many dishes, juggling several tasks.  There is something very satisfying about making good food for yourself, and knowing it’s good.  Plus, I didn’t have to share with anyone else!

I enjoyed my solo 4th of July barbecue very much.  The weather was perfect for sitting outside to eat.  The dirty pigeons kept me company.  When I was finished, I just sat and relaxed.  I didn’t have to worry about anyone else.  Time was my own.  I felt very present in the moment, as stupid and new-agey as that may sound.  I learned something new, something useful, and did something nice for myself.  It’s become a habit to beat myself up for all of my shortcomings, and it felt incredibly refreshing to break through doubts and insecurities and end up with a very positive result.  I know it’s just grilling, but when you are so used to trying and trying and failing and failing, a small accomplishment feels like the best thing in the world.

A photographic journey of my burger therapy can be found here.