... in sheep's clothing

Yesterday I experienced some disappointment in the kitchen.  Not to be deterred, I wanted to try again.  I’ve attempted to make biscuits several times over the years; one batch turned out like gross little rocks, another like floury rocks, and the last like one giant rock.  Okay, it wasn’t a rock.  It didn’t taste that bad.  The recipe had potential.  The problem was the batter - way, way, way too thin.  The recipe called for scooping 12 1/4 cups of the batter onto a floured sheet pan and rolling each ball around, then placing it in a greased cake pan.  All well and good, but imagine trying to roll jelly into a coherent ball.  Not going to happen.  It was all ooze and a floury mess.  I ended up just dumping all of the batter into the cake pan, which caused little pockets of flour to form.  After baking, the biscuits were (unsurprisingly) far too floury.  And lacked oomph.  They tasted flat.  Mary and I agreed - they needed more butter.  And in my opinion, perhaps a bit more salt.  I talked to my mother as it was baking, lamenting our kitchen calamities, and she said that she’s never been able to make good biscuits either.  I refuse to believe that my inability to make delicious biscuits is genetic.

So today, I present my improved version.  This one is for you, mom!

Even if you don’t have a mixer/food processor, you can make these.  Even if you don’t have a pastry cutter, you can use two butter knives to crisscross in the flour/butter mixture.  It takes time, don’t expect instant gratification.  I like to pretend I’m in Little House on the Prairie when I make biscuits.

Buttery Buttermilk Biscuits

Dough

2 cups all-purpose flour (10oz)

1 Tablespoon double-acting baking powder

1 Tablespoon granulated sugar

1 1/2 teaspoons salt

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

6 Tablespoons cold, unsalted butter, chopped up in 1/4” pieces

1 cup cold buttermilk*

Forming and finishing the biscuits

1/4-1/2 cup flour

2 Tablespoons melted butter

To make

1. Heat your oven to 500 degrees.  Yes, 500 degrees.  I was surprized Mary’s went up that high.  Position the oven rack in the middle.  Grease a 9” cake pan with a lot of butter (don’t forget the sides).  Similarly grease a 1/4 cup measuring cup.  Sprinkle flour over a large baking sheet.

2. Mix dry ingredients in a bowl with a whisk

3. Sprinkle chopped up butter over dry ingredients, go at it with a pastry cutter, or cut into the mixture with two knives crisscrossing each other.  You’re trying to get the butter into very, very small pieces covered in flour.   This process can take up to five minutes.  Would it be faster and easier with a food processor?  Most certainly.  When the mixture resembles coarse cornmeal, or you are fucking sick and tired of hacking away, pour the buttermilk in the bowl.  Mix with a spatula until the buttermilk is just incorporated into the dry ingredients - the batter will be sticky and lumpy.

4. Scoop leveled amounts of batter onto the prepared baking sheet with the 1/4 cup scoop.  You’ll have to use your fingers to get the batter out of the measuring cup.  You should get 11-12 biscuits.  Sprinkle a bit more flour over the top of the biscuit lumps, and toss each lump back and forth in your hands until it’s evenly coated, and all the excess flour is shaken off.  Place in the buttered cake pan.  Repeat with the rest of the biscuits.  Pour the melted butter over the biscuits.  Mmmm melted butter….

5. Place cake pan in the oven for 5 minutes, then turn the oven down to 450 degrees for another 15-20 minutes, or until the tops of the biscuits are deeply browned.  Let cool in the cake pan for a couple of minutes, then turn them out onto a cooling rack.  Let cool, then devour.

*I don’t usually keep actual buttermilk on hand.  In a pinch, I make it like this, but recently I had my mom send me a container of this, which I’ve had a hard time finding on the west coast (p.s. mom i’m running low, you can send me some more in my next care package!  thanks!).  What was I saying?  Oh yeah, if you use the powdered buttermilk, add the powder (in this case, you’ll use 4 Tablespoons) to the dry ingredients first, then add 1 cup of water after you’ve mixed in the butter.

Yes - they actually taste a million times better than the last batch!  Rich, buttery flavor, crumbly, a bit salty, impressively close to KFC biscuits, which in my opinion, are the gold standard.  I cannot wait to make cheddar-jalapeno and cinnamon sugar versions.